An Unfortunate Story
by Clair Shadows
Summary: A short fic in the formal format characteristic of this series


Author's Note: This is just a silly story in the format of Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events. I posted it to the montly comp at they're site and thought I may as well post it here. It is in no way related to Shaman.

September 2004 6:41pm  
Dear Diary,   
It is my unfortunate duty to inform you of the woeful events of my life in the hopes you will find a more cheerful reader.   
  
September 2004 7:03pm   
I am calm, I am at peace. That is a lie, but watching my video of peaceful sky and my cup of warm milk and honey has enabled me to face you once more.

The Beginning

I was born into the arms of an assassin and a seamstress and lived most of my life quite boringly in the alpine mountains learning to stalk goats and sew cross-stich and many other such things which I'm sure you've been taught yourself. Things continued quite happily until January 1st 1989 4:38am where the goat I was stalking caught wind of my scent and quite foolishly jumped from his rock platform onto clear ice. Naturally the ice resounded bell like from the poor animals hooves and even though I desperately threw my cross-stitched scarf to muffle the sound it was too late. An avalanche started; cracking the ice I was standing on with a deep boom and sending me plummeting into forgotten caverns.  
My home was buried that morning and the fate of my parents became unknown to me, I still hope to this day that they made it to the escape tunnels and took on secret identities in Canada like they always used to wish.   
  
September 2004 5:12am   
Dear Diary,   
Forgive me once more for stopping, but the woeful tale of my beginning sent my weeping into the safety of my room, where my cuddly snowman heard much of what I am now about to tell you, and finally gave me the courage to continue. 

The Middle

I made it out of those forgotten caverns and became good friends with the goat who came to forgive me for stalking him, but that is not the end of my misfortunes. My house gone and my parents fate a mystery I planned to move to Australia hoping that the warm climate and few goat's would do little to remind me of what I had lost, however things were not to be the boat I choose to travel on became caught in a naval battle between the natives of two small islands and I was taken prisoner. Forced to were a grass skirt and add 'ay' to everything I saiday I spent seven lonely months praying for rescue and feeling my hope dwindle everyday, furthermore the warm humid climate of my prison did not fulfil my dream of forgetting my previous misfortune, but reminded me everyday, the chitter of the monkeys so similar to the clicky clack of hooves, the shhsh of my skirt so similar to the shhsh of an avalanche, the woven headbands reminding me so tragically of the woven 'home sweet home' above our fireplace. By the time of my rescue I was desperate to move back to the mountains just to end the reminders. 

The Ending

I was rescued on the 10th of July 1989 at 3:38pm by an amateur helicopter pilot who was blown off course and saw my terrible predicament and staged a heroic rescue using only the half eaten lunch he had with him and an old boy scout rope knotted with the four most common sailor knots.   
The flight back to the mountains took two days whereby the pilot did me another tremendous favour by unteaching me to add ay to my words and lending me a pair of second hand trousers. I wish, like I'm sure you do that I could say this was the end of my unfortunate events.   
Yet there was more awaiting me. We landed in a small snow covered field on the 12th of July 1989 at approximately 5:00pm (I apologize for the uncertainty, but the sun had already moved behind the mountains at this point which made determining the time difficult with any great degree of accuracy, the police assured me that it was no later than 5:45pm) This was just in time to cross paths with a wanted man, the name of this man I have not yet determined, but he was quite efficient in removing myself and my rescuer from the small helicopter and removing himself from the scene. The police following this man came to the mistaken conclusion my rescuer was he and I his accomplice, nothing I said would sway them though I pleaded for the many hours from that small field to the valley prison, finally in a last ditch attempt to save the man who had so generously saved me I confessed to the unknown crimes.  
  
Even now as a watch snow lightly fall on my barred window I do not regret my decision for I know he is doing his best to find that wanted man and I can not begrudge him the time taken for it will make my freedom all the more sweeter.   
T.M.Hewitt 


End file.
